Blog : Beau Sia

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weak ass rebellion

  Posted on October 8, 2014 at 3:08 pm

the website’s been up about two weeks or so, and I’ve already broken at least five to nine million deadlines I set out for myself regarding posting. how the fuck does everyone else post consistently? I keep thinking that I’ll just come up with a kick ass poem of thanks for sunday, but then sunday rolls around, and guess what?  life. I already know that I’m gonna be terrible at consistently posting on my website if I gotta write shit each day. each day is filled with so much more than what I may/ may not post on my website. but I can’t say I’m gonna post something on sunday, tuesday, whenever, then not do it. can’t punish y’all ‘cuz it turns out my actual life is not conducive to daily written posts. just gotta george takei it. meaning, he was the first person I heard of who wrote a bunch of posts in a day, then spread out posting them throughout the month. I need to carve out time for that. I need to set aside a day and write five thank you poems for the month or something.  especially since my ideas for the process of thanking the universe and those who’ve contributed to me has evolved since the first poem, and may require some actual forethought in its execution. I also want to be better about when I post new poems, new blogs, and especially wanna make sure I get the love, beau shit out there in a manner that maximizes others’ understanding of the process. I can’t keep posting videos for love, beau, waiting two weeks to come up with questions for the audience regarding each video, then waiting some more indefinite time to figure out some process posts for people to better understand my journey with this work.  it’s all too staggered and not  effective in what I want to convey now that the first series of videos has inspired a powerful structural narrative for this work. so what am I saying? all this babble is like an excuse.  and an apology. and a coming clean about myself. yet again yet again. seeing my limitations, learning how much more I’ve got to learn, and figuring out how to be more effective in what I’m trying to accomplish if I’m going to invest in a website and ask the world to engage in it with me. I will begin steve cannon’s book soon, the next love, beau’s gotta come out soon, and I’ve got to set aside enough time for this to actually go down. and I’ve got to set aside enough time to get these posts ready so they drop when I say they will. please be patient with me. I am revealing to you what I need to work on and I don’t feel particularly competent sharing this difficulty I’m having with posting when I say I’m going to. did I ever tell you you’re really great for having read this far?

love beau/ fields sublime

  Posted on September 25, 2014 at 4:51 pm

I had to practice the poem a couple of times to pronounce, “again,” to fit the rhyme. I had to get to the point where I didn’t smile/ laugh uttering it. I had to honor the child who originally wrote the piece, without judgment of elder me. There are several sequences in the poem, where I wanted to reveal in my face, “Hey y’all, I get that this line doesn’t actually make any sense.” I didn’t, because upon further listening to the piece, I realized that when I originally wrote this poem, those lines weren’t about sense, they were about emotion. I listened for how “dark gold glitter,” and “billowy ring,” revealed more in their rhythm and tone, than in their definition. Allowing myself to remove logic as absolute, I was able to recite the poem with more of the original pain and frustration I wrote it in. I cannot understand this work if I project what isn’t true to the piece in my recitation of it. In listening to this recitation, I must also work more on reflecting the voice I possessed when I wrote each poem. Even if I can’t capture the register, or am unlikely to strain my vocal chords to achieve the exact sound, I must reach deep into who I was fully during the writing of each of these poems. I want to reflect how much insecurity may have influenced my speaking. I want to show how fear reduces as one owns themselves, increases as one runs in their verse. I want to hear me at every stage of my life. It is a clue needed to be able to speak as if one is the age in which the poem is written.
Thankfully, I have many more opportunities to continue this work.

love beau 4

  Posted on September 24, 2014 at 11:58 pm

I got to do a better job about doing things in the timeframe I claim I will. Just before bed is not the 22nd. Was really proud of myself that I went through with it. So much fear looking for an excuse not to. In the end, something changed in me putting up that first video. I saw myself at 38, reciting for the 15 year old who didn’t feel like anyone wanted to listen to him. It was odd how that simple act let go of so much pain I thought I’d overcome. About how I see myself. About how invisible I’ve felt for too long. I’ll write more about the poems individually as I’m able. I’ve decided to watch each, then write my take on how that poem connects to this process of love and my relationship with. I’ve also decided that I am being a little too confusing about what this project exactly is. I imagine that someone watching the videos cold would be confused. Especially if they have expectations based on how I presented myself during the Def Poetry days. I’m not sure many understand why the course of time is important to share all at once. Or why the analysis of the work is not about its craft. I will be clearer. Pray I do this before I drop the next installment. I feel the next installment coming sooner than expected. I just don’t want to claim a date and not make good on my word to Sahra. I thought I grasped the whole of this work, but then I posted the first installment and everything went to another level I’ve yet to be able to articulate. It’s making me confront shit I’m not very comfortable confronting at all. And I embrace it. I want this process to transform me. So I’ll be damned if I let it get corrupted by fear’s need to prove value to the critics n’ analytics.

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